Feature: Burden of getting married for young men in Kenya

Sometime in September this year, Kenyan communication officer Joseph Mulemi expects to walk down the aisle with his fiancé Jane.

The ceremony, if all goes on well, would take a place in the capital Nairobi about a year since he started the process.

"I am looking forward to Sept. 24. It will be my big day ever; a culmination of my efforts and that of my fiancé who has stood by me," he said Friday.

Plans to hold the wedding started in earnest with Mulemi visiting Jane's parent's home in Kakamega, western Kenya in August last year.

"I went there with four of my friends to introduce myself to my parent's in-law and declare of my intention to marry their daughter," recounted Mulemi, adding that during the event, he spent 396 U.S. dollars, money that went to buying a suit and a dress to his prospective parent's in-law, consumables and some pocket money.

Mulemi hails from the Isukha community, same as his fiance, and in their culture, that is how the process starts.

"The visit is a precursor to the dowry negotiation ceremony that I went for in December last year. This was too demanding because I involved my parents, church members from Nairobi and brothers. We were a delegation of about 20 people," he said.

Mulemi was asked to pay a bride price of 2,970 dollars, partly because he had sired a child with Jane, and three cows.

"The bride price would have been lower had we not had a child," he explained, noting that luckily for him, he is not supposed to have cleared the bride price before he weds, but he has already delivered one of the cows and 990 dollars.

His wedding budget is 6,435 dollars, money he is struggling to raise through friends since the couple only have about a quarter of the amount.

"Hopefully by the time September reaches we would have collected all the money with the help of friends, but I must admit I am financially drained. I am burdened but that is life. In the end I believe all will come to pass," said Mulemi, who took a loan from Sacco to finance the dowry payment.

The 31-year-old is among tens of thousands young men in the East African nation who have to struggle to get married as they adhere to their cultures and modernity.

Every Kenyan community (and even families) has its own traditional rites concerning marriage that young men and women have to follow - some that have left many disillusioned.

Liberal families, especially those of the bride, are shunning some of the ceremonies that create roadblocks for young men and women.

Among the Kikuyu community from Central Kenya, for instance, families are doing away with a pre-marriage ceremony known as ruracio.

During the ceremony that comes before bride price negotiations, besides introductions, the groom normally picks his bride among other girls covered with shawls, symbolising that he has publicly made his choice.

"I used 1,950 dollars to organise such a ceremony that was attended by about 200 people at home of my bride's parents. Most of the money went on food and transport since I had to ferry my people from our village in Kirinyaga to the home of my bride's parents on the outskirts of Nairobi," said George Kinuthia, adding that he had agreed with his wife that they skip the ceremony to cut costs but her parents would hear none of it.

His wedding later cost about 8,000 dollars, money that a huge chunk was raised by his friends through a committee, himself, his wife and parents.

"Well, I got a wife and had a memorable day but the whole process was expensive. It wiped out all my savings yet I had to shift houses and buy a car as I settled down with my wife," said Kinuthia who got married in 2014.

Social worker Lydia Mugeni acknowledged that getting married for many young Kenyans has become burdensome unlike in the past when most young women and their parents did not insist on white weddings.

"Sometimes I pity our young men because some of them go at great lengths to do weddings, only to begin life on bad footing with no money. That marriage may not survive because the woman starts to see the man as improvident despite the lavish wedding."

However, she noted that paying bride price is a good gesture to the girl's parents because it is a sign of appreciation.

"How else would the man prove that he appreciates the girl and he can provide for her if he does not pay the bride price? This is a tradition that should stay despite modernity," she said, noting that while many men are keen to pay bride price, many abhor weddings much-loved by women due to high costs.

A good wedding costs a minimum of 2,000 dollars, according to Mugeni but couples need not struggle as they can wed at the Attorney General, where one pays as low as 30 dollars to get legally married.

"I cannot get married without a wedding because that is the only way that shows my husband is committed and values me. Men are cunning today, if you don't have a marriage certificate from a church wedding, you may be doomed," said 28-year-old Susan Oketch, a government worker, adding that she does not have a problem helping her husband raise cash for wedding.

Interestingly, common law unions known as "come-we-stay" in Kenya, research indicates, are the happiest for women.

In a July 2015 study by Consumer Insight, some 67 per cent of those polled in "come-we-stay" arrangements reported marital bliss, compared to only 59 per cent of those who had religious weddings.

Dr Christopher Hart, a relationship psychologist in an article notes that in Kenya, there is little or no difference between married and cohabiting couples.

"It is easy to associate a grand or successful church wedding with a successful marriage, yet it is quality of the relationship that determines success of marriage," he said. Endit