Divorce dilemma

"Just divorce." That's the advice gay man Geng Le offers to wives of gay men. "Being gay is not our choice, we cannot change."

As CEO of danlan.com, China's largest gay website, Geng Le knows many gay people, but he's never heard of one who changed sexuality or maintained a happy marriage with a straight woman.

But Shu Yun, 28, the wife of a gay man, disagrees. "The world is complicated. Every wife has her own concerns."

Some wives of gay men have deep affection for their husbands; some are jobless and must depend on their gay husbands; some worry divorce will hurt their children. Shu Yun says she has shared stories with many wives of gay men in an Internet chatroom.

Shu doesn't want to divorce her husband because it would hurt her parents-in-law who have treated her well. "They believe I'm their last hope to turn their son straight. I don't believe it, but I don't want to crush their hopes."

Xiao Mi feels lucky because she is young, good-looking and still childless.

And she discovered her husband's secret after just nine months -- a short time compared with wives who found out after decades of marriage.

But getting a divorce is still difficult. Xiao Mi wants compensation for the marriage, but gay husbands do not fall into the category of "wrongdoers" under China's marital law.

In many cases, courts will not support claims for compensation from wives for their gay husbands' sexuality, says marital law expert Wang Hao.

If a gay man remains single, he faces intense pressure in a society where marriage is expected. However, gay marriage is banned, so gay men are deprived of the right to marry as they choose, Wang says.

"We should remember that society has pushed gay men into such marriages before we criticize gay people for marrying straight women," he says.

A life denied

Married for more than 20 years, Zhang Ming is regarded a model husband. He does most of the household chores, takes good care of his daughter, and goes for walks and swimming with his wife.

But when Zhang Ming turned 50, he revealed his true sexuality to her.

"Good for you," said his wife to his surprise. "You must have had a hard time being married to me for this time."

But his wife did not want to reveal his sexuality to others. "It would be unfair to you, our daughter, your parents and to me. You're a perfect man except for this. If you want a divorce, I respect you," she said.

"I'll treat you well," he answered. "I'll take good care of the family."

On a trip to Beijing from his hometown in northeast China, Zhang Ming saw young gay and lesbian couples chatting, watching movies and playing games together -- and he envied them. "They had wonderful lives, no secrets, so natural."

But the cycle of sham marriages continues for many in the next generation.

"I'm gay, but I've just agreed to be the boyfriend of a girl for whom I have no feelings at all," says a man surnamed Wang. He suffers from chronic depression and insomnia. His friends tell him he needs a family to look after him.

Wang is tired. His mother has arranged one match-making event after another even though he has told her he is "not interested in girls."

But, still she believes, he will change after marriage.

(Xinhua News Agency November 15, 2010)